Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus...What?

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. But this little story from my friend in India made the most sense...read on

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

OK...this was not a true a story....

The Earth

Over the last few days, I have had the opportunity to sit with some pretty influencial folks in the package good industry (both manufacturers and retailers) about making their products more earth friendly.

I was not suprised that most of them where not discussing this due to the goodness of their heart but looking at using green as way to make more green. There is nothing wrong with that, we are all having business for the purpose of making money.

During the course of the conversation a seasoned marketing executive raised the following point, "What is in it for us? The cost is more and our marging becomes less. Our consumers will not pay $1.99 for this product that they currently pay $1.29, how do we tell the consumers that they need to pay more to play in the sand box called Earth?"

All I could tell them was tell the consumers the following, "We have not inherited the world from our forefathers -- we have borrowed it from our children".

So my question is the following?

A. Would you pay more to save the earth?
B. Would you support/invest in companies that have a a better enviroment record?
C. Do you believe the Earth belongs to the current generation or to the future generation?

In the end there is no right or wrong answer....

Some sites to consider are
A. Global 100
B. Sustainable Business
C. United Nations for Sustainable Development

How things have changed?

Halloween...Texas Style

There is something about the lone star state that amazes. Forget about the devotion to high school football (trust me Friday Night Lights is an accurate description), the conservative outlook, that food should be served in huge amounts dripping with butter/oil and everything unhealthy....

So I found myself in Texas for Halloween. Now I have celebrated Halloween in quite a few US cities - NYC is still the best. But when my friends asked me if I want to accompany them (and their wonderful daughters) for Trunk N' Treating, I first was confused as to what this was about. Since I knew kids were involved I was little more at ease.

So we went to this parking pot adjacent to the church. As I stepped foot into the compound, I seriously considered the chances of a lighting bolt striking me down. But thankfully nothing happened. As I waited and watched, a line of vechiles (minivans, SUVs, pickup tucks) made their way to the parking lot. They parked the vechiles and then the onwer(s) all dressed up popped open their trunks(I am using the term trunk liberally since most were SUVs/Minivans/Pickup Trucks) and volia, the trunks were decked up like a house on Halloween. Kids then went from vechile to vechile getting candy, hot chocolate, hot dogs (I am not kidding) etc.



And then after all the fun of at the church, we made way to see Johnny Memphis. He is a legend in around Temple area. Apparently he is a one man Elvis tribute artist. He makes it clear he is not an Elvis fan or Elvis cover band or Elvis impersonator but an Elvis tribute artist. One thing is sure, he has the energy to rock n' roll for over 3 hours.

Do you believe in miracles?

Apparently Au Bon Pain has a new service Fortune Teller Service while you drink coffee. Here is the story...

Sitting and sipping my coffee my myself is on of the few guilty pleasures I enjoy. That did not change today. I was sitting, enjoying my java and dreaming up wonderful things for my business.

Then in the corner of my eye I noticed this women. She was no ordinary women that I tend to see in the coffee shop. From her clothes I knew she did not work in corporate America. She looked like a she could be teaching at Hogwarts. She spots me staring and before I can look downwards she locks my eyes up. She smiles, raised and come up.

"You tend to judge people quickly dear"
"I am sorry, just you seemed different"
"Why because I dress different and carry a staff"
"Kind off..."
"Maybe I should teach at Hogwarts...that is what you were thinking right"

I was shocked. Lucky guess since someone else with my sense of humor would have mentioned it.

"So how is your new business". Now I am a little disturbed, so I shot back, "How did you know or where you just assuming that since I work in a coffee shop I am either a free lancer or jobless"

"A skeptic, I see. There is lot of them now a days" she says and continues, "Let me tell you something...I am not going to promise you wealth or glory and need nothing in return. You have loved and lost in the last year, you were unhappy with both your jobs, you are very restless in nature and you want to be remembered"

"Ok, everyone wants to be remembered. But you are partially right"

"I do not want or need to convince you. I think you are a nice person, with a very good heart who loves to be around people. You are searching for the right person but that person is there in your face"

Now I agree with the first part and the second part is kind of true since I am still on match.com, shaadi.com and other sites my family plastered me on.

She continues going on for 30 more minutes and I was amazed she was quite accurate with the year of my birth, the region in India I was born, where I have lived.

And then she left as abrutly as she came in. After a minute I went outside, but found no sign of her.

I swear I was not drinking or hungover. But am I dreaming. I have since moved to a different location to continue my path to glory.

Sign of our time...

Now that I do not have an office, I decided to relocate my office from the comfort of my house to Au Bon Pain.

There are 2 glass doors leading into the shop with blue signs that say PULL. The sign is strategically located above the door handles. So far this is what I have seen...

A. People pushing the door. Then they step back, confused and perplexed seeing people inside. How did they get in. Is there a secret code, another entrance. And then they read the sign. Maybe if you are that dumb, you should be coming in the first place

B. People getting through the first door and then repeating the same process in the second door. OK I can have some sympathy if you made the mistake in the first door, but doing this twice in 1 second, you should be institutionalized

C. Forget the sighs, people trying to force open the door at the hinges. Easy there Hulk...

I wonder what would actually happen if there are no signs. No wonder there was a need for sliding glass doors.

Memo about Email Signatures

Dear Mr/Miss/Sir/Madam/Other beings/GOD

I am really pissed of about all the email signatures. I think email signatures are important and needed but can we not do the following:

A. FONT SIZE TOO BIG

I have one friend (OK he between a good contact and a friend) who puts his name in font size 20. We know you are proud of your name, but when your name overshadows your email then there is a problem. It is like you are compensating for some shortfall.

B. SENT FROM MY iPHONE/BLACKBERRY

I do not need to know which PDA/Mobile device you have. You have an iPhone...great...what do you want me to do? Throw you a parade or party. So you have a crack...I mean blackberry. Wonderful, either you are so important or they cannot stand you in the office and make you work from home. I think it is the later

C. LOGO

So you have a company logo. You are single handily responsible for filling everyone mailbox around the world and slowing down the net traffic. You are proud of your company how about a link to your company's website. Geez was that too hard to think?

D. LEGAL GARBAGE

This is my pet peeve. I am OK with one or two lines of legal bullshit at the bottom of the email. But some emails that freaking 5 to 10 lines. I am not sure if I should even open the email, with the fear of getting sued.

Here is novel thought...how about making the reader focus on the body of the email and not be scared/intimidated/irritated by your signature

Thanks you

Regards

Uber

Note: All information on this blog belongs to me. If you are reading this then you are really jobless. Get a job or better still join facebook. I think you are lonely but it is just me. And yes if you are not supposed to be the recipient of this blog, delete it immediately. If not, I will find you and delete the blog from your favorites. Get the point. Thanks a lot.

East Asia Food Festival

I landed yesterday in the City of Angles, Dream Land, LA LA Land, Los Angeles, or I could have been in SE Asia.

Over the last 3 days I have had

A. Japaense Cusine - Sushi. A beautiful place called R23 Sushi. The most interesting thing was they had cardboard box chairs, that somehow held my weight.

B. Philipines Cuisine - In Oxnard, LA.

C. Korean BBQ - I have had them in NYC and NJ. But this was the best I have ever had. The place is called Tahoe BBQ. Try it but not for vegatarians.

I am paying right know.

Roller Derby

A couple of weeks back, my friend Matt (who also happens to be a co-organizer in the meetup group and a wonderful person) suggested we go to watch Roller Derby. The incentive was that we can go later and drink with the girls from the Roller Derby. Now, how can I refuse this offer. Girl on girl fight, drinking with girls, maybe more girl on girl...

So of we went to Newark to watch the enthralling event called Roller Derby (The home team's name was Bridges and Pummel). As I pulled up, I noticed that parking lot was full and the most surprising aspect was there was a sizable porting on men/women with their young lings. (I am sure the Good Parenting magazine does not list Roller Derby as a way to bond with your family)

The event started with the usual post 9-11 festivities....raising the flag, sing the national anthem, couple of USA USA chant....but all without any celebrities.

So after 10 minutes, I managed to get Matt into the following conversation:

Uber: The roller derby is kind of lame.
Matt: What? I love it. I am so coming back to watch this on a regular basis.
Uber: Apparent we are watching different games. When does this end?
Matt: There is another 2 period each lasting 20 minutes.


Then I found out that there was also a men's team. They played their period between the girl's period. Later in the second period, I once again got into a conversation with Matt.

Uber: I have no idea what is going on. And Matt, are you coming to watch this regularly.
Matt: Not regularly, I may come back to watch them again.
Uber: Hmmm....
Matt: You realize they do not serve alcohol here.
Uber: Yes and that is what makes this thing drag on.

End of period 2

The final conversation went something like this:

Uber: You serious about coming back to this.
Matt: I do not think I will come back.
Uber: Wow, you views on Roller Derby have changed faster than Kerry view's on any issue.

PS:

a. Alcohol would have made the event tolerable.
b. Alcohol would have made my friends tolerable.
c. Alcohol would have made me tolerable.

Wrong Number Again !!!

This happened actually an hour ago. I am still in a state of shock. Should we start issuing licence before we give certain people access to cell phone, iPOD or other complex technology.

My work phone rings, I do not recognize the number. I hardly get non work related calls on this line, since I do not give this number out to anyone other than my sister and my parents.

Uber: Good Morning, this is Uber
Lady: I need to return a set of lingerie I got for my b'day. And I do not have a receipt

I became totally confused. When did we start selling lingerie, and why was I not informed?

Uber: I wish I can help you but I think you got the wrong number.
Lady: What, that b*tch gave me the wrong number. Are you sure you do not work for Macy's?
Uber: I am sure, but since you asked let me check with the office manager.
Lady: OK I will hold.

Know I am convinced either she is an idiot or she works for some radio station that is playing a prank call.

Uber: I checked and this is not Macy.
Lady: Sorry.

5 minutes go buy, the phone rings again and guess what the same Lady is again on the phone

Uber: Good Morning...
Lady: How did I get you again?
Uber: Maybe it is fate. You actually dialled my number.
Lady: Yes, but shouldn't it connect me to Macy. I dialled Macy the first time and got you and now when I hit redial, I get you again.

I am know convinced she is an idiot.

Uber: OK let me help you here. You dialed me the first time and we established this was not Macy. Then instead of dialling Macy's you just hit the redial. So you got me again. So now when you hang up do not hit redial, dial the right number and you will be connected to Macy. I am sure they will help you.
Lady: Gee thanks. I think my phone is broken and I will go and return that too.
Uber: I am sure that is the case. And you have a nice day.
Lady: You too and talk to you soon

I have since placed my phone of the hook.

Bookends to Bookends

I've been tagged by Zen Denizen aka MGS, and was ordered in the nicest way to complete this.

Book that changed your life - R.K.Narayanan's Malgudi Days. The stories are so simple, the characters are believe and writing was impeccable. And the bonus factor, his brother R.K.Laxman did some very good caricature work to bring the stories to live. This was the one of the first book I read, so it changed me in terms to this day I love reading more than anything else. (OK alcohol, food, sex, music comes first, but it is in my top 5)

Book you've read more than once - The Complete Sherlock Holmes Volumes I & II. I am still to this day enthralled with the spy/mystery genre. I read this first during the summer of 1986 and then again around 10 years later.

Book you'd take to a deserted island - I am actually not planning on going to a deserted island, but say I am forced to be at one then I would have to be the complete works of JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings. At least this would keep me occupied for a long time. The pages I read could be used as fire starter and I can use the book as a weapon to defend myself.

Book(s) that made you laugh - This is a tough one. A lot of books have made me laugh. So I am going to skip this one

Book(s) you wish you had written - Not a book but art with a story Frank Miller's 300. The art was uber cool and over shadowed the powerful words and story. And truly inspirational. The words that will be always stuck to me are

Stelios: It is an honor to die at your side.
King Leonidas: It is an honor to have lived at yours.

Book you wish had never been written - 300...the fame and fortune. More importantly for the fame. Yes I am vain

Book you're currently reading - Paul Shirley and Chuck Klosterman's Can I Keep My Jersey?: 11 Teams, 5 Countries, and 4 Years in My Life as a Basketball Vagabond. I am actually shocked that a jock could write so elequontly, never mind he got Klosterman with him but still. But the bonus, the book borders on being hilarious.

Book you've been meaning to read - Rabindranath Tagore's Gitanjali. I have read his works here and there, but I always want to read the collection that got him the Nobel Prize.

Book you've been meaning to finish - Homer's (not Homer Simpson but the Greek dude) Odyssey. I have read maybe 25 pages and then stop. I revisit it once a year but end up reading the same pages since I have zero memory. I think this is the book I should take to a deserted island.

Dawn of a New Era

One of the best poems that I love and cherish is Robert Forst, "The Road Not Taken"

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
...
..."

I am not writing this to discuss the poem or try to understand what Mr.Forst meant.

The reason is that this week I decided to take a road, which I know is not so less travelled. The road called entrepreneurship.

"The road is not without

Speed bumps
Dangerous curves
Vicious animals
Bottomless ravines

Many have taken that road

Most have given up
At the first bum

Still more have been consumed
By the ravines and animals

Some have made it
Only to realize, it
Has cost them everything

The few who have made it
Have had the perseverance
To rise up after every fall
To rise up after every defeat
Because they want
To fight this for another day

The few who have made it
Did it not
For the wealth or accolade
But for the spirit
Succeeding and fulfilment

I want to be that few
I dream to be that few
I dared to dream"

Texas style learnings

So last week I spent five full days in Texas (OK 1 day I was in Mexico...). Me being the so called "liberal" (when did being a liberal become a sin in America...?) in the land of so called "conservatives".

So what did I learn in 4 glorious days in Texas:

1. Y'all - Say it with a drawl while chewing tobacco and most towns will immediately throw a parade in your honor. You are know an official Texan.

2. Drugstore Cowboys - Men who dress up in cowboy gear but do not own or work on a farm. Apparently they just hang out in the strip malls or open parking lots.

3. Friday Nights - In a small town, you can go in and rob a bank. No one is going to catch you or stop you. Everyone is busy watching 17-18 year old beat each other up to a pulp. BTW they charged me $4 to get in but I got front row seats since I was with the former mayor.

4. Trash can - A dish where they load up a styrofoam plate with meats, more meats, onions, meat again, pickle and top it all off with much more meat. Then 2 slices of white bread is thrown on top. I was confused as to what to do with the white bread.

5. Sunday Morning - Y'all better get to the church or else....they where unclear on what happens when you do not go the church. But I still had to ask.

6. Dance Club - So they took me to Dance Hall. Being from New York, I wore my best black clothes, gelled my hair and tagged along. Was I out of place? I did not know the 2 step, I was the only person not wearing jeans and/or boots, I had a earring. But all drinks where only $4.

7. Pickup Truck - If you drive a an eco friendly car or a beetle, then just park the car on the side of the road and run. The pick up trucks will drive over you in a jiffy, especially if they are driven by women. You are better off walking. But when walking carry a stick for there are snakes everywhere.

8. Do not insult anyone with the last name Bush. Better still do not talk politics if you are from the blue states. (I did not know in US that states have colors)

9. Do not show your ACLU card as a form of identification. If so make sure your loved ones have your dental records for identification purpose when they are forced to visit you at the morgue.

10. And finally, learn Mexican. Saying simple words like hola, cómo sean usted and gracias will greatly improve the level of customer service at most establishments be it legal or illegal.

My Tryst with NetIP

About 2 years back, I had returned to the shores of US of A from the Far East, where I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to ply my knowledge. Coming back I was woefully short of friends (most of them had moved on, changed phone numbers, got married or just did not want to see me). So my one of my last reamining friends from NYC suggested I go to this Desi event for young professionals called NetIP.

Here is the story...

The first thing that caught my eye was the homogeneous dress code by both the males and females. The common denominator was the dark colors. The males tended to be in striped cuffed shirt with nerdy glasses, spiked gelled hair (they go to work looking like this?), a blackberry and a dangling ear accessory called the bluetooth. The females tend to be in short black suits with a bright colored handbag (most probably from a designer that I have never heard of) that had a blackberry, gum and assortment of make up devices. The drink of choice seems to be martini.

The second and most puzzling aspect of the so called uber cool desi where they all were investment bankers with a pad in upper east side and a beach front property in the Hampton's. They all shopped in Milan, went to fashion shows in the spring, went boating in the summer, hung out with P.Diddy in the fall and did charity work in winter. They had read every boook on the NY Times best seller list.

I felt I was in Stepford rather than in Manhattan.

Who are these people?
Who is controlling their mind?
Is such events the way of getting innocent recruits and changing them to these homogenous species?

With the tail between my legs, I ran as fast as I could. I felt all the time I was being watched and followed. After a few fancy zig zagging moves, that I learnt from my devotion to spy novels, I felt I was safe.

I walked into the nearest non Starbucks coffee show. As I sat down, sweat dripping from brow, I looked around and smiled. There was a assortment of characters ranging from bankers to punk rock wannabes to intellects to neighborhood people. I was back on earth.

The next day, I woke up startled and wondered is this was a dream (or a nightmare). I reached for my phone and there was a message from my friend wondering why I ran away last night. Definitely not a dream.

I am happy I am not suckered into that crowd,
Happy I can dress the way I want
Happy I do not have such a miserable fake life
Happy that most of my desi friends think NetIP is nuts

Things I hope never to witness....ever

These are the things I hope will be forever be eradicated, hoping for our children's generation, so our children's children will only have the opportunity to know about them through books or archives

1. Violence against women and children
2. Repeat of Hiroshima/Nagasaki
3. Ethnic Cleansing
4. Famine, drought, hunger
5. People excluded due to skin color, race or religion

It still puzzles me that in spite of us evolving as a species and reaching new frontiers in the fields of science we somehow are till not evolved in being a compassionate human being.

I once heard from a person who was part of the team that dropped the infamous bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and I quote, "I hear so called pundits and common man say just drop the N bomb to get rid of the problem, and I wonder to myself how naive in thinking we have become. These people do not know what an N bomb is and I wished I did not have the brains to create and drop one"

Corporate Responsibility

Last night I happened to catch a documentary called "Iraq for Sale: The War Profiteers". The documentary was fascinating.

I am not sure if the everything the film maker said is true. But what got me thinking was about corporations being socially responsible.

1. The #1 purpose of a corporation is to increase shareholder value.

2. If we limit the amount of profit a corporation can make should we also limit the amount of money an individual should make? Or we legislate the that every corporation should spend X% of their profit on social projects shouldn't individuals be held to that same standard

3. I am all for charity. But does charity make us lazy. We know if we fail, we have a safety net or someone to bail us out. So is being charitable being responsible.

There were so many contradicting thoughts going through mind and mind you I was not even drinking.

I wonder if we should have rules

1. Corporation and individuals should give X% of the profit and salary to a social cause

2. The social cause should be to help individuals get back on their feet but those individuals have then an obligation to pay back to the organization that helped them. Something like a 0% interest loan.

3. As human being (and rulers of the planet) we should be able to police ourselves and the corporation whose product we buy. After all if we do not buy the corporations goods and service they then seize to exist. Therefore we do not need a legislation on this.

B stands for Bingo and Bar Majestic and Booze

Never a good idea during a work week. All I got to show is a "Pirates of the Caribbean Pencil Set", "2 Shot Glasses", "1 T Shirts" and a "Hangover"

Wondering if it was worth it?

So it begins...

"Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning." - Gloria Steinem



I am not sure I am going be successful or famous
I am not sure how many mistakes I will make
But one thing I am sure of is that
I wouldn't and couldn't
Have done it with a better person...
My Boss, My Mentor, My partner and but more
Importantly My Friend

Here we go...to challenge the establishment and self for

"Failure is not an option"

So this how you become a princess....

Background

Our office is not top heavy. There is King, reporting to the King are the Prince and Princess. Each Price and Princess have their Lieutenants. The rest of the office is are the foot soldiers.



The Story

The Princess sometimes leave early (or actually sometimes stays late). When she leaves early she takes the path less travelled to the elevator. The reason is she doesn't wish to been seen by her lieutenants when she leaves the office. (In the below diagram offices in Yellow are where her lieutenants are located



The Confusion

I bought this up last night to her lieutenants. They just told me it was typical way she operates. We all play the hockey from the office know and then like schedule client meeting at 2:00 PM and leave to home from there. But doing the sneak-a-boo when leaving early...makes me think we are in grade school and not in corporate America.

The computer says 95%...

that is what I get sometimes when I used to frequent the on-line dating sites like (match.com, shaadi.com etc.).

Story 1:
My on-line shrink (more on that later) decided to give one of on-line site a chance. Apparently she sent out a few requests to guys that she felt she would like to get know better.

She got a standard rejection from one of her preferred matches...

Thank you for your interest, our preferences do not match.
Best of luck
XXX

On seeing XXX profile she noticed his preferred partner had no information

Now my experiences have been quite similar. It says we have a 95% match and when I email them, they write back that our preferences do not match.

Am I asking for too much? Should I set expectations lower on dating sites?

The Simpsons...Woo Hoo or D'Oh

are coming to big screen this Friday. Since I am an avid fan of Simpsons, I am going to go and enjoy it on the big screen.



I hope Matt Groening and the rest of his writing staff were up to the challenge of keeping the audience enthralled for over 60 minutes. I would hate if the movie becomes the reason the Simpsons jumped the shark.

Woo Hoo or D'Oh...time will tell.

PS: As I was writing this, I decided to peek into my friends blog and guess what she hates the Simpsons...I am in shock !!!

It feels like 1984....

I had this dream once, that I am at work and suddenly the computer screen becomes blank. A pixelated image appears uttering "This is our company. A company of dreams and hope. This is our company. Oceania. These are our associates. The workers, the strivers, the builders. These are our associates....".

OK, I used the quote from 1984. But that is how I feel sometimes at work.



Perfect examples

1. The grand marshal of our office does a sortie at 0h-nine-hundred-hours (is everyone present at the office) and another one at eighteen-hundred-hours (who is leaving early)

2. I get an email, follow up phone call, project meeting and evening drop buys to discuss the projects/work I am supposed to deliver.

3. All company correspondence and updates are now done through PowerPoint and pushed using Brainshark. This website allows you to send a presentation along with voice over and also track who visited it or rather who did not.

Or maybe it is the Monday morning blues....

Helpdesk...are they for real !!!

We realize in our office that around half an hour back all our systems (corporate email, corporate intranet, internal systems) are down. Our office manager ask me to go into and check the server - I am not going into into the Indian stereotype launch here - but i go into the server room and check on the diagnostics (usual crap of ping our servers and realize we are OK but our corporate office is down). We dutifully call our corporate office and here is where the fun begins

Uber: Just want to check if we have a system wide shutdown
IT : Yes we do.
Uber: It would be good if you could have called the office manger at each office and informed this
(we have around 10 offices, but they can do something call mass phone message. They do it all the time for things like not talking mandatory classes like sexual harassment)
IT - We sent an email informing we have a system problem
Uber - I did not get it (just to hear back their response)
IT - That is because the email is down too.

Wonder if communication is a required course in college anymore...

Reason I will get married

Last week when having one of those "zen" conversations after a couple of bottles of wine at this delightful roof top garden. The question came to owning houses in Jersey City. Due to my aversion to suburbia and that I do not make $$$$ per year, the only houses I can afford are 1 bedroom of 800 sq.feet. Since I am pack rat that hardly suffices. So I proclaimed I would marry to be able to afford a bigger place.


That conversation soon morphed into why I would marry...

#1. I can now afford to buy 2/3 bedroom condo in Jersey City and not have to torment myself to a life in suburbs with the the manicured lawns, tree lined avenues, women with wicker baskets etc.

#2. This is important. I can get to buy a nice sports convertible. I will let my wife buy a regular sedan. That way we have both. One for fun and the other for lugging around groceries and people. (I am Indian and having a Japanese owned sedan is a right of passage for us)

#3. I feels girls are more fetish about cleaning than guys. So me being a pig will be negated by her. Plus cleaning may actually be fun with her around.

#4. All bills will be split in too...and I will save on taxes.

#5. And yes I get the extra benefits too...like someone to talk too, argue with, fight with, more stories for the blog and yes sex too. There I said it.

And some of you might ask, is this a reason to get married? That is so materialistic. My answer to all of you naysayers, I found my reason to get married. I cannot help it if insurance, banks, realtor's, IRS give more breaks to married people than single people. I do not make the rules of the game. I just play the game. There are sacrifices needed to win the game and I am willing to make them.

Now time to and surf match.com....

5 Reasons I Hate Working in Corporate America

Working in a corporation is SUCKS!!!

There is no other way to put it. My top 5 reasons they suck...

1. We are an EOE

The way they measure diversity (be it race or gender) is take the total employees and find the percentage of minority and females among them. But ask them to show the stats by level (that is lower, middle and upper management) they come back with a coy answer.

2. HR

I understand they are a necessary evil. They justify their existence by creating process, rules/procedures and paperwork that are so complex that you are scared to get rid of them. They make up policies like Total Rewards (previously know as salary, but my pay still sucks and I do not consider it a reward), Knowledge Sharing, Talent Management. They only inflict pain and suffering and suck the fun out of working.

3. CEO/President/Senior Management

How is it that they makes millions of dollars and when asked to cut cost they fire the rank and file that make $40K a year.

4. Meetings

Meeting are the new happy hour. Since HR abolished happy hour, meeting around breakfast and lunch have increased. Seriously just buy me lunch and let me get back to work. It has become so bad there are now pre-meeting, post-meeting, wrap-up sessions, agenda meetings....desperation to interact....

5. PowerPoint

Edward Tufte, said it the best and I quote: "It's used to guide and reassure a presenter, rather than to enlighten the audience". This is a directly correlation to point 4, which is a direct correlation to point 3. I have seen presentations that have way too many words or pictures and then to annoy me, they make each word fly from different corners. After such presentation is want to just check myself in a psychiatric facility...

OK...I do a lot of presentation and I never use more that 2 colors in the slide and never use transition.

How to become a sales star...

My company had its annual sales meeting in Austin Texas. Not a bad place to be at actually.

Day 1: The Prom Night (warming up....)



Day 2: Singing away your career (peaking...)




Day 3: Dancing with the starts

Thank god I have not seen any pictures for me Salsa dancing. The legend is that our official photographer (he was more like a paparazzi...during one of our social nights I saw him on a ledge photographing us...either he is dedicated or plain stupid)did not make it back after karaoke...

PS: My colleague rocks!!!...she is a mom, works full time, is brilliant and fun and know how to party....

Vanity has its price.

So on my friends blog, I chanced up a site that you can upload your picture and check which celebrity you resemble the most. I am not sure why anyone would want do this but being vain and shallow, I decided to give it a try. The results were...



WHOA...I resemble some good looking people. Being pleased with the results, I immediately spammed my co-workers. Got the usual comments....

Then a couple of days later a colleague, that I barely speak to, come up to me and said, "Never knew you were a professional dancer". The comment threw me off and I probed him further. He told me there was a picture of me dancing posted in the break room/kitchen/devil's vending machine room. I was frantic, was this the picture of me dancing during the holiday party or was it that time when we went to celebrate our fabulous year. Good Lord, I wondered...how could this happen

I ran into the kitchen and came to screeching halt seeing this picture posted...



Apparently our very talented Administrative Assistant took my picture and photo-shopped it on top of Joey Fontone when he was performing on "Dancing with the Stars". I never knew Joey Fontone was a star.

Service Industry says the danmest things!!!

I travel quite a bit and am always amazed with some of answers I got from the service personnel (that is people in hotel, restaurants, airports etc.) to simple questions.

Hamburg Train Station
Was waiting at the train station and wanted to make sure the train was going to be on time because I had a flight to catch.

Uber: Excuse me, will the train to Frankfurt be on time.
Station Attendant: Sir in Germany the train is never early or late, it is always on time

Geez, you thought I insulted their country they way he started at me

Houston Airport
My flight was supposed to leave at 5:30 PM. Till 5:40 PM they had not yet announced the boarding. So I went up to the gate to enquire about the flight status

Uber: Is the flight delayed?
Gate Attendant: No sir, we have just not announced the boarding yet.

New Zealand Country Club
Was there for a sales meeting. During lunch I ordered a ice tea.

Uber: Excuse me this is not ice tea.
(The ice tea tasted like sprite for those of you wondering)
Waitress: This is what we call ice tea in New Zealand. This is not USA unfortunately
Dave (my colleague): He is actually from Japan
(Dave was referring to the fact that I was living in Japan at that time)
Waitress: But you are colored?

For the first time in my life, that at least I can remember, I did not have a comeback line

Doing a Venn on Culture Difference

A lot of my non-Indian friends have repeatedly queried me as to why arranged marriages are still prevalent in India. My answer to such questions used to be the standard "Culture Theory". But somehow the theory did not seem to enlighten the audiences.

A week ago while giving a presentation I had an epiphany. The complex question can be easily explained using a Venn Diagram.

Here is the way I see most western relationship before and after the wedding.



And this is how I see the same relationship manifest when the "Indian" variable is applied




Assumptions

1. This is based on my experience
2. I am not arguing that one culture is better than other. I leave such talk to politicians
3. I am not saying that every relationship ends up like this.

In the end all I am stating is that this is the foundation on why arranged marriages will always be prevalent in India, since you marry the girl and the girl marries your family. Guess men do come with baggage to...

Just because I am Indian...

Yes I am an Indian.

If you meet me or one of my billion fellow Indians, please avoid asking us the following questions.

1. "I love Indian food". Hye, I love Italian Food, but you do not see me yelling that at every single Italian I meet.

2. Your neighbor named Raj. Oh! he is from the same town as me. Nope, still doesn't ring a bell. Remember we are a nation of a billion people. Count all the Indians who immigrated to other countries that number becomes huge with lots of zeros at the end. So we knowing someone you know is a long shot.

3. So you saw Monsoon Wedding and you loved it. And you are telling me this because...? Do you tell every Japanese person you love Godzilla. And lastly my wedding may not be like Monsoon Wedding. Similar to how your wedding is not like the Hollywood depiction of wedding. It is a movie for dumb sake.



4. I do not practice Yoga. I do not know of any Yoga instructors. Would you by chance know of someone that can teach me lassoing?

5. And finally...I am not a PC Help Desk just because I am Indian. Yes a good number of Indians are in that field. But I am not. Do you ask every Chinese to sew your button or fix your Nike shoe?


For crying out loud, the above will not help you get into my friend list. You will not even get into my contact list. Hell I will just block you totally from my life. You are not worthy to even be in a spammer consideration set.

Love Music, Love Reading...then you should be seen at

The concept of having the first date in coffee shop always fascinated me. Girls were quick to point out the coffee shop allows a quick escape route from a date gone bad. Due to the proximity to NYC, I have had some interesting dates in Starbucks.

Let it be know, that I do not particularly like Starbucks. The reasons actually is quite simple and I couldn't have said it better than Denis Leary whom I quote "Coffee doesn't need a menu it needs a cup".

So here is the sneak peek at what happened on this particular date.

Girl: Hi, I am ____________
Uber: Glad to finally meet.(Insert a joke)
Girl: (Akward laugh)
Uber: How about we get something to drink first

So I walk up to the counter to order what I thought was going to be as easy as A,B,C...(damn I know have that tune in my head)

Uber: "One small regular coffee please and..." looks at the girl.

She steps forward with the confidence of a matador going into the ring

Girl: "I will have the grande vanilla hazelnut Kenyan blend coffee mocha with skim milk and a little powdered cinnamon on the top."

I was shocked and awed at this order and how she never though twice about ordering this. (This was the look Bush and company I believe were hoping to get from insurgents in Iraq)

Starbuck Stuck up Coffee Server: "OK and you..." looking down at me with contempt, "...wanted regular coffee. What size grande, venti,..."

Uber: "Err..the normal size would be fine."Should I have learnt Latin in high school

Obviously I have caused much embarrassment to my date and so she steps in front of me and using the Starbucks lingo gets my small regular coffee. And effectively deflates my ego.

SSCS: "Anything else".

She was looking at my date when asking this because she knew I was a lost cause

Girl: "Get a couple of muffins, cookies and..."

I just stood in the sidelines and watched in amazement. Now I can empathize with mortal when they watch Tiger Woods, Roger Federar, Michael Jordan play their sport at a different level

The tab comes and being a gentleman I volunteer to pick to up. My date doesn't even make a feeble attempt of trying to pay like fumbling with her purse. I saw the bill put back the $20 and took out my credit card. I would have been cheaper to have this date a restaurant where they actually serve you.

Girl: "You are not a big fan of Starbucks."
Uber: "So what gave it way?"
Girl: "Really. See I thought you like to read , listen to music and love coffee. Starbucks should be your comfort zone I wold think"

I agree on the reading and listening to music part. I remember telling her that I love to sit in a coffee shop. I do not ever recall telling her I love Starbucks. Why did she assume I love Starbucks. I am not a hippie, do not write haiku...

Needless to say this was the only date I had with her. Sometimes when I pass Starbucks I wonder, what my life would have turned out if I had taken time to learn the Starbucks way.

But on the bright side I then wouldn't have a blog...

Rock Paper and 10% discount

I drive to work. Not to far, around a good 30 to 45 minutes drive. Normally I plug in my iPOD and listen to my eclectic collection of music. But yesterday on my way back from work, I decided to tune into ESPN Radio and listen to non sportspeople rant and rave about "our" team not doing this or that, second guessing everyone and playing God. (Talk radio deserves a seperate blog)

Apparently on ESPN over the weekend they were showing the Rock, Paper, Scissors championship in Las Vegas. So Dodgeball was not a movie but a documentary - WOW !!!

So this got me to the time when I was living in Japan. I was sick and went to the doctor. She prescribed me some drugs and I proceeded to go the drug store. Note that at that time I spoke only around 50% Japanese (actually I think I plateaued at 50% in learning Japanese). So I had to take my translator everywhere with me. OK...back to the story.

Went to the drug store and after enduring the customary Japanese load greeting (they yell "Welcome" anytime you walk into a store), they filled out my prescription.

At the checkout after paying, the cashier proceeded to ask me (this is what was translated to me)"Do you want to play a game and win a prize?". I did not want to spoil the enthusiasm and agreed to play the game. She then proceed to extend her arm, close her fingers and tell me "We are going to play rock, paper and scissors and if you beat me you win a prize". I was shell shocked...I have over the years seen some crazy promotions in stores but nothing like this.

And yes I won 2 out of 3 and they gave me a 10% discount card to the store if I shop there the next time. This got me thinking if they where they hoping I fall sick?.

PS: Never went to store again.

Where everybody know your name....

When I moved from India to US, I used to live in beautiful Newark, NJ. In Newark all shops (mainly dollar stores), restaurants (mainly Chicken Places), coffee shops (Dunking Donuts) used to close by 6 PM. The only place open used to be this "fine" Irish Pub that would stay open till 11 PM (we knew that is was 10:45 when the bar owner would yell "Last call folks - you cannot go home but you cannot stay here"). I therefore started frequenting it regularly. The clients used to be mainly Cops, FBI, Firefighters, local Irish politicians, and a smattering of graduate students from Rutgers.

During that time I used to be only Indian in that place (this always surprised me since Newark was home to NJIT and I know a lot of Indians did their MS there - oh they were geeks, answered my own question...back to the story). Over time they started acknowledging me and when business was slow, the owner (Bill Scully) would sit and talk to me. I explained about India - the culture, life, politcs etc and he was genuinely interested. But for some reason he could never remember my name.

So one day this girl I used to hang out with comes to bar looking for me. She asks the owner if he has seen me. Bill told her he doesn't know who she was talking about. She described me to Bill (In my mind I think it was tall, dark, brooding, scholar, handsome young lad). Bill nods and proclaims "Oh! You mean Sean Murphy. Fine Irish lad he is"

The next minute, i walk into the bar and as I soon as I opened the door all patrons yell "Sean Murphy". I proceed to turn around to let the Irish man walk into the door and seeing no one I turn back. They all tell me that Scully told them my story - Indian orphan, washed ashore in as basket, loving Irish doctor couple adopt me and name me Sean Murphy.

To this day (it has been 9 years) when I go to Newark they all know me as Sean Murphy. The sad part is they know more about my "Irish" heritage than I do.

Lost - the saga of one bag

It happened around 2 years back. I decided I had enough international experience, I could handle and made my way back to US of A. Most of my stuff (like my samurai sword/Australian boomberang/Kiwi Good Luck Statue) where being shipped to US of A, but I decided to carry with me 6 bags/boxes.

Made my way to the luggage carousel #12, I should a write a separate blog about the conversations I tend to have there. Slowly the tired travellers started to pick up their bags and head out. I had got 5 of my bag/boxes and had only one to go. I should have realized at this point that the 6th one was not going to come out, but somehow was clinging on to the last vestige of hope that one of my luggage mysteriously split from the group and will be coming out solo.

Me, and another couple kept peering hoping to see our luggage. All that remained on the carousel is this one bag waiting for it owner. The owner I presume was being given the alien probe at immigration or decided to leave the bag in a haste to get out of the airport. So with heavy heart me and the other couple decided that time had come to face the inevitable and report it the airline. So we troop over the airline (United) counter.

Here is some of the conversation that happened:

Uber: Excuse me but one of my bag is missing.
Counter Girl: Did you look everywhere?
Uber (confused as to what everywhere means): You mean did I go outside and check in the cargo hold.
Counter Girl (rolling her eyes): No did you make sure your bag is not there
Uber: I am sure it is not there, else I would not have been here.
Counter Girl: OK fill out the forms.
Uber (filled out the form and handed it to her): So my bag is lost
Counter Girl: It is not lost, we have not found it yet.
Uber: So it is lost.
Counter Girl: No it is not lost as I told you. We have just not found it?

I was tired after the 13 hour flight, but went ahead and asked her the questions of the day

Uber: When will the status of my bag move from "Not Found" to "Lost"

She gave me that look of "I hope you never find your bag" as I started to turn and head towards the exit. The couple behind me smiled and thanked me for the laughs

PS: The 6th bag was never found. I assume that somewhere in "Not Foundland" my bag is wondering why I had left without saying goodbye. I miss my 6th bag. I miss the stuff in it, especially my Hello Kitty Graphic T-Shirt.

Accents, Powerpoint, Picture - The Return of Silence

Around 2/3 months back, I had this interesting conversation during a presentation...

Presenter: .....to wrap up, this new service will deliverable a better ROI for our customer. any questions, thoughts...

Uber: I having trouble understanding how you can attribute the growth of our customer's sales solely to our service.

Presenter: Well as you can see in slide X, the rationale is explained

Uber: Yes I can see that, but there are other factors too that help to drive sales. If the customer ask can we back up our numbers?

Presenter: I do not think you understand nothing is that black and white

Uber: If nothing is black and white how is this presentation so black and white in terms of attributing success to us.

Presenter: You are misunderstanding me. Maybe it is the language..

Uber: I understand. Furthermore I speak with an accent but I do not hear with one.

I also wondered is it the accent that causes miscommunication or is it the lack of clearly explanation (oration skills). With the advent of Power Point, the orator no longer replies on speech but on visual to communicate effectively. But though a picture speaks a thousand words, I believe that words with picture often communicate more than just picture. Actually less picture/charts with more words are the best. If that is not the case, wouldn't Hollywood be making silent movies still...?

Battle of the Bulge

Along with the rest of the 95% population of America, I too embarked on the fruitless journey of weight loss.

So I started at 235 pounds. Here was my schedule

January - 4/5 days of gym a week which involved weights and cardio. Slim-fast for lunch.
February - 3/4 of gym a week. Intake of Slimfast cut down from everyday to 2/3 days
March - 3/4 days of gym a week. Slimfast down to 1/2 days a week.
April - Back to the January schedule

So yesterday I was in Central Bar NYC to catch my friend's friend band's CD release party. I was lamenting with my friend MGS about my lack of loosing my gut

Uber: I do not get it I am doing close to 100 situps 4/5 days a week and my abs are still flabby
MGS: I think it is the Indian genes
Uber: What?
MGS: White folks do 100 situps one day and the next day they have a six pack. Indians can do 100 situps every day but will continue to be flabby.

I am wondering if that is true...but then again I wonder if MGS was telling me that I am beyond hope (MGS was the one that helped me get serious about my weight by referring to me as a "Big Teddy Bear")

Starting Right

So why should I blog? I have give this a lot of thought and said why not? The reason I stopped blogging was

1. I am a horrific speller. Thank god for spell check and my obsession with double and triple checking my work. A disclaimer here, I only double/triple check if the works involves money

2. I had a very short attention span. So sitting in front of a computer and trying to arrange my thought is close to impossible.

3. And I am lazy too....

But decided that for all the nonense I post on all the message boards, I should just take those thoughts every week and publish them. Some of them are good, or so I was told.

So sit back and enjoy the ride

The world as seen through my eyes