Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Hokcom Status Explained

Let me make this short. I am in LA right now and staying at a downtown botique hotet. On Monday after a long day of meeting we (my business associates and I) decided to wind down the day at the hotel bar.

This is what happends in the next 5 minutes

Uber sitting at the bar sipping his Vodka and Tonic, 2 girls walk up and sit right next to him.

Girl 1: Hi you look new, my name is Nicki

Hokcom Level 1 - Hooker Readiness status: Now I think I am an OK looking guy, but am no Brad Pitt. So any girl that walks up to me at a bar

Uber - Hi my name is Uber

Nicki: This is my friend Alice

Uber: Hello nice to meet you too.

Hokcom Level 2 - Introduces me to her beautiful friend

Uber: Where are you girls from?

Alice: Right from here, Los Angels

Hokcom Level 3 - Local girls coming to a hotel bar

Alice: So have any plans tonight

Hokcom Level 4 and 5 - This is so self explanatory

PS: We did confirm they we in fact women of the night and they were looking for customers.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

You call this CHANGE

I am supporter of Obama, I am a legal immigrant and I am colored. There I got that out of the way.

Can someone please explain to me what the hell was he thinking getting together this so called "Dream Team"?

Robert Gates: If we wanted continuity we would have voted for Dick Cheney.
James L. Jones Jr.: So some one who was McCain advisor and friend is now our National Security Advisor. Want to keep your enemies closer who did you not ask John McCain himself to be on the team
Hillary Rodham Clinton: I bet she must be thinking why she told us she used to take calls at 3 AM? Guess whom I am calling when I have nothing to do at 3 AM. The only person happy is Bill since now he has all the time to goof around.

This is not the "Change" I envisioned.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Education Standards

I have nothing about the state of Texas or the people who live in Texas. My company is HQ in Texas and some of my closest friends live there. I have actually found that most people in Texas are warm and friendly though they do manage to somehow be strongly Republican (not that there is anything wrong with it).

I had a chance this Saturday to go and watch a football game UT (University of Texas) vs Arkansas which took place at Austin Texas. As we were driving there my friend and associate was mentioning to me that UT is standard for academics is quite high. So with such a background the following was a conversation that I overhead which was quite startling:

Lady (sitting in front of me): Excuse me sir, can I get 2 bottles of water.
Water Boy: Sure
Lade: How much?
Water Boy: Well it is $3.50 per bottle?
Lady: Here is $7.00
Water Boy: Well let me see it is $3.50 per bottle, you want 2 bottles so the total would be hmmm...$3.50 per bottle.
Lady - Stumped for word look back at me for help

I lean over to my friend and ask "High Standards eh?"

PS: His daughter at that moment decided that her first school of choice is now Texas A&M and not UT.

Friday, June 20, 2008

The Blanery Stone Crawl Part II

Stop 3: Blarney Stone on 8th Avenue

Number of people at start: 7

Nothing much happened here, expect Ms. D heard a sexual joke from an 80 year old women. This bar was a dive and I found new fondness in playing video arcade game again

Number of people at end : 9

One more comrades bid us adieu after this. But we did pick up one random guy and an 80 year old woman stalked us to the next bar

Stop 4: Blanery Stone Fashion/Garment District

Number of people at the Start: 8

This was by far the most upscale Blanery we encountered. What threw me off was the Latin Mambo Kings type music streaming violently through the speakers. But then I am not surprised.

9:20 PM: I watch in amazement as a fat man with absolutely no rhythm salsa all alone at the end of the bar. Bravo! Bravo!! I give me credit for movement

9:40 PM: Ms. D is going to be late for some B'Day party that I was not invited too.

Number of people at end : 7

Another person who joined us at the Stop 3 decides to leave. So much for him bar crawling. And we lost 2 more on the way. They are falling like flies.

Stop 5: Blarney Rock Restaurant at MSG

Number of people at start: 5

We enter this 2nd last stop at 10 PM. I quickly discover cupcake's evil twin behind me. On closer examination (read sobering up examination) I find the only resemblance is her blouse and haircut. I duly mumble something resembling an apology.

Ms. D finally decides to go the birthday party that I was not invited.

The bartender tells us about the closure of out next stop. So we have only one bar to go to. Woo hoo!!!

Number of people at the end: 4

Here is where decide to cab it to the East Side. At the last minute Mountain Bunny decides to join us and skip the drama of him needing beauty sleep or something like that.

Stop 6: Blarney Cove

Number of people at the start: 4

This was not a cove, it was a cave. Calling this dive is being polite to this establishment. Add a lounge and this becomes the famous narrow Katra Lounge that I hate.

11:03 PM: Cupcake discovers Funyuns. We attack it with gusto. And yes we all decided to share 2 drinks, though JP decided she is still going to have some hard stuff.

11:04 PM: Mountain Bunny drops phone behind the bar. Start of his clumsiness streak.
11:10 PM: Cupcake discovers lingerie in the bar and decides this is best time to put it on. And I immediately pull out my camera.
11:12 PM: I wonder why they are showing the Mets games on TV.
11:20 PM: Cupcake and I decide that is time to karaoke. We do a sing along to Barry Manilow

Number of people at the end: 4

So 4 of us got starts for going to all Blarney Bars. We're know exhausted and hungry. JP decides that Odessa Polish Diner would be a perfect way. Of at 11:40 we reach Odessa Bar and Diner. Perfect more drinking. The bar was crowded so we decided to skip drinking and head to the diner.

11:42 PM: Girls outside the diner (they were drunk or they wouldn't come up and talk to me) yell at me, "Come to the bar, it is more fun". I reply back "We need to eat and there is no place to sit down there". Girls, "Kill someone" to which I reply back, "With my skin color I do not think that would be a good idea."
11:45 PM: Cupcake orders every dish in the menu.
11:47 PM: Mountain Bunny tells us that he going to blog my blog about the Pub crawl. JP gives him a blank stare
12:01 AM: The best conversation so far
Mountain Bunny "Sorority girls do not date me even when all drunk.
JP "Maybe you should re-evaluate your opinion on Sorority girls.I was in a Sorority and so is Cupcake."
Uber "I am from India so I could care less. And even non sorority girls refuse to date me"
Mountain Bunny "I was just generalizing. It is like everything thinks I am a mobster because I am Indian"
JP "You wish we though you were a mobster"

Game, set and match JP.

Oops, I forgot add Mountain Bunny spilled coffee on the table and pierogies on his pants. He was so out of form that day.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Blanery Stone Crawl Part I

As a little boy or girl we all harbor secret fantasies

a. Get bitten by a spider and develop cool powers.
b. Be the most famous sports person in the history.
c. Buy a cape and tailor dummy.
d. Visit ever Blarney Stone Bar in the island of Manhattan.

OK point c and point d we not some of the usual dreams you may have encountered. But a friend of mine "JP" had this dream of visiting every Blanery Stone Bar in the city.

This is what happened

Stop 1: Blarney Stone Restaurant (near Ground Zero)

Number of people at the start: 8

6:02 PM JP and Cupcake come in late. OK we cannot start the damn bar crawl late. Apparently JP was too sexy and needed a change of wardrobe. Uber was made at the change of wardrobe.
6:05 PM Cupcake spills beer on Uber. Apparently it is Uber fault since he moves silently.
6:14 PM We all got little stars for being there
6:30 PM Ms.D Decides to talk about some puke story to entertain us
6:35 PM I was smooth talking a fellow bar drinker in order to get a free t-shirt. After 5 minutes he informs me that he is not the owner.
7:00 PM We leave. I wonder if we are going to be in every bar for 1 hour. Then I remember I have a birthday party the next day. Panic sets in. Where is my brown bag.

Number of people at the end: 8

Stop 2: Blarney Stone Restaurant (Fulton Street)

To the next restaurant was a long walk. I made a mental note to switch to hard liquor to get a better buzz to endure all this walking.

Number of people at the start: 8

7:12 PM We walked passed what looked like a deli counter into the bar. If Shaft went to an Irish Bar this would be the place.
7:15 PM Cupcake runs into the ladies room.
7:16 PM JP runs to the ladies room. Apparently it is an epidemic.
7:20 PM I get my Vodka and Tonic. Sweet intoxication.
7:21 PM We all eye the bad buffet and make a bee line towards it.
7:25 PM The bartender stops by our table and I am waiting to hear the words "This food is not for you". But he assures us that the food is free. I wonder if people would pay for this, but on then I see people pay for the bad airline food.
7:26 PM Ms.D is pleased that the toilet paper in the women's stall doesn't crumble. Apparently the toilet paper in South America crumbles.
7:30 PM Ms.D challenges her coworker to moonwalk. He refuses, first he is white and that bet is not fair. She refused to challenge me since she knows that I might do it.
7:40 PM Finish my one drink in record time. And yes JP picks up this balloon animal of the street and we have it accompany us like a mascot.

Number of people at the start: 7

The girls go round the corner and disappear into CVS. Thank god we decided to take the train to the next stop. As we all swipe our way through the turnstiles we hear a scream. I thought for certain one of the girls just fainted. Instead I see Mountain Bunny (He wants to be called Mountain Cat)on top of the turnstile pointing his hand at this ferocious creature called the rat. That scream would have made any girl proud. He claimed that the rat was the size of an elephant. But since I did not see the rat I can neither conform nor deny on the size or if there was a rat.

Too..be continued

Monday, May 19, 2008

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Indus Tuesday

First there was darkness and then came light
Then came humans and then came hip humans who turned off the lights.

Indus Tuesday tag line is the rather ambitions Meet, Mingle and Network. Now with such a tagline you would assume they would pick a place that statisfies their ethos. But then again maybe I am a bit naive.

Meet - The place they choose to host this event was called Home NYC. If I was Batman or a cave dweller I would be at home. But being a normal homo sapiens this place was not a place to meet.

Mingle - How does one mingle in the dark and loud place. Someone please advise me? Really, am looking for anything that would help me. It is like asking people to mingle on the top of Everest. Just because the place is cool and hip doesn't make it a mingle happy place.

Network - The only networking happened near the food table and bar mainly by accident rather than intelligent design.

So to all you social organisers out there think about this for a moment. How about a nice bar to network, which facilitates conversation. This is NYC and if you tell me there is not good bars to host networking events then either your are not trying hard enough or just too lazy.

Will I go again? Probably with friends but I may actually just stay home. All I would need to do is go to the basement/cellar of my house, turn off the lights, crank up the music and guess what I might have more fun that I did on Indus Tuesday.

PS - Indus was the name of one of the earliest human civilization and if they had the changes to see someone like this group took their name, they would actually sue us for fraud and misrepresentation.